March 20, 2005

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  So I woke up yesterday morning to my mom calling me.  My grandmother had a massive stroke and probably wont make it.  Its been a rough weekend.  I hate this news, and I'm so fucking sick of geting phone calls like this with different members of my family.  I was instantly exhausted because in my family, I always have to be the strong one.  Its like, when bad shit happens my family just shuts down and can't deal, which leaves me to always pick up the pieces and make sure everyone survives.  I guess its better now as I'm an adult, as aposed to when it would happen and I was a teenager.  I had to drag my brother up there to see her.  He is such a pussy.  He can't handle hospitals, partially because shit like this is always happening to us.  He also can't stand to talk about death, the whole topic just shuts him down.  So I went over to his house and talked to him about her, what she looked like, what she still had functions over.  She recognized me and my mom, but had problems recognizing my aunt and my uncle.  I had told him to be prepared she might not know him and that her right side doesn't work and she can't talk.  I just wanted him to be prepared.  He didn't want to go.  But I conviced him that he would feel guilty forever if she did die that night and he didn't get to tell her he loved her.  So we went, and spend a half an hour there then left. What makes me mad is, I'm 24 and he's 36!  Should he be strong for me?  I remember when my mom had her stroke, I was 14 or 15 and he was 27 and it was the same thing.  I had to talk him into going to the hospital and held him when he cried.  My mom is pretty broken up, I can understand, its her mother.  And she had a hard time looking at her because of the stroke she had, I know thats going through her mind. What pisses me off most, is she was admitted to the hospital last Monday because her arteries were almost completely closed.  The one on the left side was 92% closed and the other was 70% closed.  The talked about putting tubes in her neck to open the arteries so this wouldn't happen.  But they made the surgery for NEXT WEEK!  And what happens when your arteries close?  YOU HAVE A FUCKING STROKE!!!!! So why at 92% closed did they not find this urgent?  Her primary care doctor was screaming at the head of the hospital bored to do this NOW because she feared this would happen.  I just don't get it.  This was so preventable.  And the fucked up thing is, they wanted to discharge her the night before (Friday).  We had to argue to keep her there because she was feeling week.  So she could have been at home where no one would have known. I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow.  I talked to my mom and aunt about it but they can't function enough to do it yet.  I don't want to wait for this to pass, and for things to be forgotten.  They still haven't cleared the other artiery yet and they wont tell us why.  We actually had to tell them to do the right one.  The doctor said it may help the asked if we wanted it done.  WELL NO FUCKING SHIT WE WANT TO DO IT!!!  He said his reasoning was that she asked not to be kept alive on respirators and stuff.  Well there is a difference between being kept alive on respirators and taking actions that could make you better.  Fucking idiot. My head is pounding and I'm tired.  And I'm probably going to call in sick tomorrow and pray I don't get fired.

  • 9:39 pm
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