So Halloween sucked ass this year.  It all started Friday night with the blasted corn maze.  I had been wanting to do something fun and outsideish to rekindle the fun I felt as a child when it was this time of year.  I read about various haunted houses and stuff in The Mercury, on of Portlands free newspapers, and found out they had a corn maze at the pumpkin patch.  Some over-acheiving farmer cuts a really interesting maze design in his corn for the halloween festivities.  During the evening they have people hiding in the corn all dressed up that are supposed to jump out and scare you.  That sounded like a really fun and different idea.  So my boyfriend and I drive over a half an hour to get to said corn maze all excited and giddy like kids to get to the maze.  We get there and are waiting in line and over to the left of the line there are a bunch of picinic tables with people covered head to toe in mud.  This was the first warning we should have heeded.  The second warning, everyone in line with us had flashlights, we had none.  I look at my boyfriend and asked if we should be worried and we both agreed that the website we went to as well as the two newpapers we read about this maze in would have told us what to bring and what to expect.  We get to the ticket counter, pay our $12 and I ask the guy two questions:

1.Is it really muddy out there?

Answer: Not really, you may get a little on your shoes but no worries.

2.We didn't bring flashlights, will we be okay?

Answer: Oh theres plently of light to see, and its better with no light anyway, its spookier.

Okay, we are good to go.  I now look back and I realize the third warning sign was the fact the guy answering my questions, had about three teeth total in his head and was wearing mud stained overalls, and it wasn't his costume.  So we enter the maze (the height of the corn by the way is waaay over our heads) and with in five steps we are almost in total darkness.  Well, thats okay, its supposed to be a little scary, but as we kept walking I noticed the ground kept getting muddier and muddier until we were unable to take a step without the ground trying to suck our shoes off our feet.  Before long, the mud was sooo bad that it had crept into our shoes.  We were literally ankle deep in mud.  And it wasn't just any mud.  It was the really sloppy kind and was so bad that there was about two inches of standing water on it before your foot hit the mud.   We were sliding around like we were on ice skates.  There was mud up over our shoes and all up the back of our pant legs.

Now bear in mind neither of us have issues getting dirty and being outdoors.  But we were not prepared in the least for this.  I had on my cute black shoes, and a new pair of khaki colored pants that I got only a week or two ago.  By boyfriend wasn't really in any better shape. 

Oh, by the way, this is a picture taken in the air of the maze:

Now, we were lost somewhere in the region of Sacageweas baby blanket at that bridge and NO ONE was around!  Its almost pitch black, we're lost, we are ankle deep in mud, and all you can hear is the wind and when you looked up you can see the tops of the corn swaying in the breeze and a eerie green glow going over the top of the corn.  Yeah, we were pretty damn done with the fucking corn maze.  So we turned around and eventually found some people coming our way and went back the way we came and left from the beginning of the maze.  From looking at the picture I can tell we weren't even a quarter of the way done with the maze and we had been in their for about 45 minutes.  We emerged, all muddy, wet, cold, and pissed.  Hiked back to the car, got mud all over the car, and drove home.

It was a really really really cool idea, but I don't know how people got ALL the way through without breaking there necks.  I would have had fun if I had been prepared.  I would like to go back next year, only with boots, grungy clothing, and a flash light.

I didn't think Halloween would be a complete lose.  Tonight I was all ready and prettied up and we were opening the door to leave when I saw an envelope hanging there.  I open it and its a lovely little not from my apartment managers saying they were going to be there at 9am to do an inspection of my unit.  WTF!!!  My place is torn apart because we plan on moving at the end of the month and were getting ready by doing a little "spring" cleaning.  We had emptied all the closets and dressers out and were sorting through everything to send to goodwill, throw away, or put back.  So ofcoarse I can't go out anymore because I have to put the place BACK together for this lovely little inspection at 9AM!  FUCKING ASSHOLES.  So my Halloween was ruined because I couldn't go out and was home cleaning.  I wanted to cry, and then to hurt people.  So needless to say nothing worked out this year. 

Okay, I've been neglectful of my xanga.  Thats due to my life being boring.  Today was interesting though.  My boyfriend and I went and saw Michael Moore today.  It was a lot of fun and I didn't realize Michael Moore had such bad ass security guys.  Right in the beginning some guy come storming up on to stage with a trophy in his hand and this big bald black guy in a secret service suit is up there faster than shit and knocks the kid down then picks him up and throws him off the stage.  I don't think Michael had said 10 words yet when this happend.  It seemed a little shorter than I expected, I think this was due to the fact he had two other apperences in Oregon and had to get up to Seattle so he was short on time.  Also I know from his website that durinng part of the show he shows clips form the special features portion of F9/11 as well as other parody Bush ads, but we were outside and didn't have access to a screen to show these on.  There were about 5 Bush supporters in the audience who got heckled the whole time.  Michael said to be nice to them and welcome them and to not be as they are to us.  However, all that changed when a brother of a soldier killed in Iraq got up and made a speach, they started a mean chant or something and recieve a tongue lashing from Michael about it.  Even though it seemed short and started to rain, I'm happy I went.

My ballot has been signed, sealed, and delivered.  YAY for me!!!  My boyfriends finally showed up today.  I was getting worried just because he sent in his registration so long ago.  Its his first time voting and he picked a good election to start in. 

I am re-reading Foucault's Pendulum as there is so much in the book its impossable to get it all the first time.  The author does a wonderful job of weaving facts and fiction while still keeping true to the facts, unlike other books *coughs*DaVinciCode*coughs* Anyone into ancient religion, history, masons/templars, symbolism, mathmatics, cults etc. I highly suggest it if you want to read about these things in a fictional form. 

I hate the unemployment department, I would love nothing better than to burn them all to the ground.  I have never had a good experience going there.  Not that is supposed to be fun, but I shouldn't have to deal with so many morons.  So I had found a job I wanted to apply for on their website and I call in to get the information.  After waiting 30 minutes to get to a live person, they say they have a new system and have no information on me and that I have to go into one of there offices and "update my file" before they can give me any job information.  Okay whatever, I go down this afternoon.  I get on one of there computers and start a file and its not taking my informatin.  The helper guy sends me up to the front desk to get my user name and password, appaarently I am in there system.  So I take a number and wait 20 minutes, I finally get up there and give the lady my ssn.  Onc mouse click later she goes, okay your activated, Username: My Name Password: SSN (like it always has been with them). WTF?  So I go back to the computer room and there are no computers available.  I wait 15 minutes.  I get on the computer and put in my user name and password and all my information comes up.  WTF?  I call the guy over and ask the guy what I'm supposed to do because all the job history and shit is all ready there, and he goes, "Oh, well nothing." WTF?  I tell him I was told I needed to update my file and he tells me the person who sent me down there over the phone must not have seen that all he needed to do was activate my file.  >_<

I keep my cool even though I wanted to kill everyone in sight and I ask him about the job I that prompted the call in the first place and he tell me, "Oh, you have to call in to get that info, we don't have it here."  So I sit at one of there phones, calling a person that is less than 10 feet away from me in the back room where the call center people work, just to get the info I called the same people about  eariler only this time, I only have to wait 15 minutes on the phone.   Just for him to give me an email address of a temp agency I've already applied with for me to email my resume to.  *SCREAM*

So I wasted over an hour and a half of my life because people are fucking stupid and incompetent.   

To The_boogums who replied to my last post:

Jason, thank you for being nosy and reading my personal thoughts.  Do you know why no one but online people know about my xanga?  Its because I don't want anyone to know I have one.  I use xange to vent my fears, thoughts and to just get things off my chest.  Its away to purge without fear of repercussions (how stupid am I?).  Its much easier to talk to online friends, much less fear.  Actually, I started blogging before I meet these people, but it was nice they actually cared enough to get to know me and offer their comments. 

Now, does what I post always accurately represent what I feel to be true..?  No, it doesn't.  Its a medium that I use to purge.  To go back and re-read and know things aren't always as it seems in those negative depressed thoughts that try to cloud my mind and deceive me.  It just feels good to get it out sometimes.  True or not. 

"Although there are times I do wonder if he cares and is just enjoying my being the money maker."  Have I thought about it...yes.  Do I believe it...no. 

"I need to find a way to bring this up to him without him feeling like shit."  Hmm... you could try waiting until he stumbles across your Xanga site through google.

How about you realize that this is why you were never invited to partake in my blog.

You know, its funny really.  I had never written anything about you in my xanga before because I had this idea in the back of my head that you would read it.  But I figured if you hadn't found it by now my fears of you being nosy were unfounded.  I actually felt bad for thinking that you would do such a thing. 

I know I bug you that I want to talk all the time.  I wish I really did have your ability to just get over stuff.  But there are moments my thoughts are full and I feel I am drowning in them so I use xanga to purge them. The majority of times they are unfounded fears, but it feels better to get them out.  Do I sit here and harbor these evil thoughts about you that you are taking me for a ride and are enjoying it, no I don't.  It was a thought at the moment and depressed minds have a tendency to fixate on the negative at moments.  I type it because that’s how I try to write in my xanga.  A free write without editing what is flying through my mind.  That’s how I sort my thoughts out sometimes.  To be honest, this was the first post I feel I have been completely been able to do that.  I sat there looking at it after I finished and considered editing it, but decided not to as that would defeat the purpose of what it is.

Do I truly know how you feel?  Yes, I do.  And I didn't need your lashing out of a response for all my friends to see to know that.  It breaks my heart that you feel that way.  I wish I could make all those feelings go away, but I don't feel anything I say seems to give you any support.  Like this morning when we were talking at the table, you kept your eyes down and you fiddled with that rubber band.  You didn't seem like you even wanted to be having that conversation.  I don't know if that was because you didn't want to talk, or because you didn't feel comfortable expressing your fears to me.  I feel scared about our situation and my lack of motivation too.  It nice to hear I'm not alone sometimes.  But you don't talk about it often so yeah, sometimes my mind makes up stupid fears about you not caring sometimes.  I know those thoughts aren't true and I felt better after I had typed them on my xanga. 

I don't know what to do right now.  I'm partly irritated that you read my xanga, felt hurt, then didn't talk to me about it.  You woke up, acted like nothing was wrong and then just waited for me to find your post.  I also feel a little violated and that I never want to use xanga again because all my thoughts will have to be edited, and that defeats the purpose.  So good bye xanga...

The other part of what I'm feeling is incredible sadness that I hurt you and made you feel bad.  I never want to be the source for you unhappiness or sadness.  I'm sitting here crying and hoping you don't come in to find me this way because I don't know what to say to you.  I feel sick.  I don't know what you thinking inside and I am afraid to ask you.  I hate this feeling.  You are the most important person in my life, and I love you more than anything.  I hope you realize what I wrote wasn't aimed at you, or what I really think, it was just a way to get things off my chest.

I don’t even know if I make sense in what I’m trying to say anymore.  I’m just going to leave it at this.  I hope you feel you can come and talk to me. 

*Sigh...call center work, how I loath thee.  So it looks like I am going to sell my soul again.  The unemployment department called me with a job in a call center that starts at $18.24 an hour.  I don't know exactly what type of center it is, but I know its steady Mon-Fri 8am-6pm.  So it looks like I am going to be  a call center whore again.   I just need a job so bad I'm going to take it.  The reason I didn't want to get back into that type of work again (other than the fact call centers suck in general) is because of the money.  Its damn good money and you won't find another job out there that pays that without a college education.  The problem with the money is it turnes into this vicious cycle.  You learn to live as a single person on $18.25/hr and you have all this money to blow.  Then when the job get really really bad your to affraid to quit.  Your comfortable not only in your job, but in the money.  But then I am stuck working my ass off and slowly degenerating into a psychotic bitch because I'm so mentally stressed I lash out at my boyfriend and have no time to go to school. 

Blah, it pisses me off somtimes because I get so woried with my boyfriend and him going to school that somtimes I forget about myself.  All the stress of money has been on me and not my boyfriend.  I need to find a way to bring this up to him without him feeling like shit.  Although there are times I do wonder if he cares and is just enjoying my being the money maker.  I know this isn't true, although I will hand him the lazy award because he is that. 

Meh...to much thinking makes my head hurt!

So I had an apointment with my neurologist today and had an MRI and an MRV.  I guess the MRV takes pictures of the blood vessles and arteries in you head.  It was sooo boring.  I hate having to get them.  It took about an hour and a half or just laying stiff still in a coffin with hammer like sounds on the outside.  All I can think when I get one of those would be how much it would suck to have a hang over and be in there. 

I have been having a lot of problems sleeping lately.  I will be dog tired and go to bed but lay there for hours.  I have been so tired at times it hurt but sleep will not come.  I think I have been finally falling asleep around 10am for the past couple days.  I make my boyfriend wake me up early so I don't sleep all day and so I'll get to bed at a decent hour, but before I know it, its 10am again.   I tried taking some Tylenol PM last night but it did jack.  I just layed there more tired, feeling groggy, and my body was sort of twitching.  I don't know if there is somthing wrong or just regular insomnia.  My mother suggested trying to stay up for 24 hours and then crashing around 8pm.  Maybe I'll try that. 

I watched Butterfly Effect last night.  I really didn't expect that movie to be as fucked up as it was.  I thought it was good though.  I am actually escaping the house tomorrow.  I think being out and about will be good for my mood.  I have been downloading a bunch of happy songs from when I was 19 and thought the world was mine.  It has helped my mood a bunch.  *Yawn* okie, off to bed now. 

Well, I had a nice little migraine from my drinking venture that lasted a little over a week.  I think I have learned my lesson.  This is why I don't drink often.  I usually wait until I can't remember hwo bad my last hang over was and then go out again.  Seems to work out well

I got Silent Hill 4 and my boyfriend and I have done nothing but play it since we got it on the 10th.  Finished it today and was over all satisfied with it.  I've heard a lot of talk about Pikman 2 and I think I may check that one out.  Although I haven't played the first one and I don't know if its necessary to. 

I also finished the book I was reading, Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco.  An awesome book, I haven't read a book by Eco I haven't liked. 

Now the only problem is I have nothing to do.  If I don't have a game in progress or a book to read I feel utterly board and rather naked not doing one or the other.  I'm not much of a TV person, I get bored with it with-in an hour or so.  HEY!  Maybe I should look for a job!  Now theres an idea...

Note to Self: Next time you feel like being depressed, don't go out and drink yourself into a stupor *end note*

Yeah, I should know better.  Two drinks and I have an ugly headache, let alone after five or so.  Ah well, it was fun.  My boyfriend and I got together with some old friends and my brother and his friend and made a night of it.  It had been a long time since I have been out but I am paying the price today.  It feel like I have midgets in my brain tap dancing....really really fat midgets. 

Sooo, my boyfriend up and quit his job while on his way to work.  He had got a job doing political surveys and he didn't know until after the fact it was for the Republican Party.  I don't know why he didn't ask, but he should have.  He thought it might be okay because all he was doing was calling people and asking questions and nothing else.  It was all good until they brought in a church group to do work on the defense of marriage act.  So he was surrounded by all these old women talking about how gays are going to hell all day long.  He got in trouble one day because he drew a picture of two men and two women holding hands.  I thought it was hilarious but apparently his supervisors didn't.  So he called me on the way to work having an anxiety attack and begging to come home.  Ofcoarse I said okay, how could I not.  I can't blame him at all and whats most important to me is his happyness and I don't want him so depressed and having panic attacks on the way to work.  So, we now have no money coming in again and I am so sick to my stomache about it.  This summer has been so frickin' awful.  We have had rain the past week or so and I have liked it because it has fit my mood.  Even though it fit my mood it has done nothing for it. 

I think part of my depression is from the fact I haven't gone to school for the past year it seems.  I feel like I have no forward motion.  I am 24 and feel trapped in thsi vicious cycle of corporate america hell and getting fired/layed off/quiting because I'm going crazy/ and then being poor.  I am in such a rut and that cycle feels like its only making it deeper.  It doesn't help that I have a mother who is Ms. Perfect and doesn't understand why I can't just magically pull motivation out of my ass and get a job, go to school, get married, and give her a granddaughter.  Everytime I change jobs she scoffs because she has only had 2 jobs her whole life.  She doesn't understand I'm not content in the corporate life style running the rat race.  I dunno, maybe I'll never be content.  What ever I'm doing I feel like I'm made out for more than what that thing is.  My mother calls this arroganceand issues with athority because I usually feel like I'm smarter than my middle management bosses and that I'm not better or worse than anyone else.  Maybe she's right.  But I just can't seem to buckle down and do what I'm told, especially when its redundant and asinine. 

Well, I am off tomorrow to find myself a shit job so hopefully I can go to school.  I try to opperate on the belief thats what to be is meant to be, when things happen they happen for a reason.  Also, that bigger and better is usually just around the corner if things aren't going your way.  Hehe, theorys my mother says are stupid, but what the hell does she know...