So I've listened to Alphavilles Forever Young about 12 times in a row now. I don't know why, but that song always makes me very happy and I always picture my friends and I frolicking in a field somewhere on a sunny day. Yes, I'm weird. I went to Beltaine with my friend Cameron. It was a much needed release and seems to have lifted a good bit of my depression. There were actually some really amazing drummers there this year and we danced around the fire until sun up. It was very magical and infectious. I still don't like my roommate but we seem to have fallen into a civil patch that I hope will last until our lease is up in November. I thank any God that will listen for the love and sanity Jason brings me every day. My birthday is next month. On the 10th to be exact. I think I'm having an existential crisis...a crisis of existence...a pre-midlife crisis. Hell, I don't know. I'm going to be 25 and am so far from what I though I should be doing at 25. I'm not suprised, I think I do this to myself once a year only every year it gets worse because I'm doing nothing different from the year before. I need to go back to school, but I don't even know if that will leave me fulfilled. I think I want to much. Yet even though I want I don't seem to go out their and forge my way to getting anything. Such a rut I'm in. But I'll stop now as this type of things nauseates and annoys even myself. In other things...I'm eagerly awaiting the next Harry Potter and I'm annoyed its not coming out until July. I looked it up on amazon the other day and it was their and I got all excited until I realized its a pre-order. Such a cock tease... |
Uncategorized
-
-
So yeah, things pretty much suck right now. Job, roommate, family, its like everything conspired to go to shit all at once. I don't think I've been this depressed since I was a angst ridden teenager. What I hate more is the fact being depressed feels so natural because I've spent more of my life this way than any other.
So, I'm reading this book, The Rising by Tim LaHaye and Jeffy B. Jenkins. Its the 13th book in the Left Behind serie, the Christian book series about the Rapure and Anti-Christ and stuff. They are all so amazingly written. I'm nothing near Chirstian but its a facinating read. When you look at the book of Revelations in the Bible its so arcane and unimaginable, thats whats awesome about these books is it takes all that and make is real. There view of how it could happen. I've just always found the topic terribly interesting even though I don't believe in it. Side from the topic, the author is a master of words and writing.
What annoys the hell out of me, is the fact so many people call these books crap, not because of the writing, but because of the topic. A good writer could make under water basket weaving sound like the most earth-shattering thing, so topic has absolutly nothing to do with whether a book is good or not. And frankly, I've always been interested in why more people aren't interested in the Bible. Learning and taking an interest in it has nothing to do with having to believe. Come on, our country is being run off of what this book says, wars has been declared, murder commited, all in the name of one book. One would think people would at least be interested, if for no other reason than to be able to put up a good arguement against believers.
Its odd, I find myself defending Christianity much more than anything else. I'm not a Christian, I don't ever see myself becoming one, yet I defend it better than Christians themselves. I really don't feel that I'm pro-christian or pro-athiest, as I am against misinformation and lies. And there is more of those out there in regard to the faith being spread about by both believers and the none believers than fact I think.
Fuck, I really didn't mean to write all that. Please excuse my pointless rant. I'm going back to my hole in the ground.
-
So life has be so-so lately. Nothing bad, just nothing extraordinarily good either. I've sort of been depressed with Jason working nights. I just don't get to see him enough.
I got into arguments with my mother and my friend Sarah (both separately). Every now and then I'll go through a week or so where I'm just not talkative. I'm not mad at anyone, nothing is wrong, I just feel sort of quiet. They don't seem to get it. I've known Sarah for 10 years and obviously my mother all my life and they will both sit there and question me to death about 'what's wrong?' and then after telling them a million times I'm fine, they end at the conclusion that I'm mad at them and throw a fit or pout. Which ofcoarse irritates me then I really am mad at them.
Conversley to that, it also bugs me when people who haven't known me for years just assume I'm being a bitch and don't ask. If you haven't seen me do this before, frickin' ask. There is nothing like people being mad at you and you really don't know why. Then finding out it was over something stupid like this, when simply asking "you've seemed quiet/different" would have solved the problem. That annoys me in ways I can't explain. You deserve to be bothered if you don't care enough to ask, or just aren't smart enough. People get so wrapped up in their own emotions and feelings of irritation that they don't even do the simple thing of asking to even solve the problem and let emotion over ride logical and simple communication.
I don't get why people can't just take what I'm saying as truth. There doesn't need to be some deep reason that I'm feeling untalkative and quiet, I just am. Trust me, if I were mad at you, you'd know about it. And if I'm having issues I have no problem saying so. Even asking once is okay, but I hate getting the third degree. An really, it only makes me want to wait longer before I talk to you again because I'm annoyed.
These are the moments I love Jason more than anyone else on the planet. He gets me. Never once has he gotten weirded out by this. I think he asked me once two and a half years ago when we first started dating, I explained, and it never came up again. Also, he's really the only one who can make me come out of the quiet mood by making me laugh, then lets me go back to being quiet. We've never had the common issue of feeling uncomfortable if there is a moment of silence between us. There is nothing I love more during these times than sitting on the couch with him not saying anything at all. Its a very comforting feeling.
Okay, that turned from a rant into ooey gooey 'I love my boyfriend' touchy feely crap. Sorry, I am prone to that every now and then. See what he does to me, he's evil.
-
So I joined a softball team. We had our first practice last night. It was a lot of fun, buy I'm paying for it today. I'm so frickin' out of shape. I know I'm not old by any means, but I don't feel as spry as I used to be. It felt good though, if for nothing else than to be out there doing something other than work and being at home.
So, I get really bored to day at work as most who talk to me know. And today in a fit of boredom I rearranged the keys on my keyboard. So like, the 'A' is now where the 'P' was, and the 'H' is where the 'V' was. I not only did this out of boredom, but because I have found it is a remarkable deterrent against other people use my computer. Mine is closest to the door so people think they can just jump on it if they need something. Yeah, NO!
Its funnier than hell to see people sit down, look at the keyboard and go, "What the hell!" They aren't even smart enough to realize its just the keys that have move, the actually commands are still in the same place. So people will be pushing the 'H' button and screaming because they are getting a 'V'. Idiots. I have succeeded by using there own stupidity against them. LEARN TO TYPE MOTHERFUCKERS! Then maybe you'll be less confused.
-
So, its slightly depressing reading about all the beanies going to college. I remember being in my senior year of high school and just wanted to be DONE! And the prospect of going off to some distant college was so nice. Granted, I'm glad I didn't go to college because I had to much going on, no idea what I wanted to do with my life and it would have been a waste of money. But I like the idea of living on campus with a bunch of people all trying to do the same thing (well sort of).
Ofcoarse I've gone back to school now and its awesome as I actually have a plan, but its just not cool to live in a dorm when your 24 years old and I'd probably hit the first 18 year old who pointed out what loser I was.
Oh well, I guess I can live vicariously through everyone else.
-
Two updates in one day, aren't you all special.
So because this is a trucking company we get a lot of really special people in here. Often the guys reek of alcohol because they basically live in their trucks. So this guy just stumbled into the lobby, drunk as hell, and peed in our fake potted plant. Yes, he took a piss in our fake plant, he was sooo drunk he didn't know what he was doing. What a nice end, to a long Monday.
-
*sign* Its Monday. I actually can't complain to much, for some reason I woke up well rested even though I only got 4-5 hours of sleep. Maybe its because I slep crappy the night before. They moved my boyfriend to grave shifts and Saturday was his first night. Its sooo weird going to bed alone. I woke up at every little sound even though I checked to make sure the doors were locked about ten times before I went to bed. Its funny how comforted you feel with someone there with you.
For all the irritating moments my boyfriend and I have, we are sort of co-dependant. Well, co-depenant isn't right because we function fine seperatly, but we do get separation anxiety. I guess that comes from spending so much time together when we first got together and when we were unemployed.
There was just a HUGE hail storm. Its sort of relaxing watching it from inside where its all warm. The only shitty part is its going to melt really quickly because its hot out and its going to be muggy out. I hate that, and the sticky feeling. Damn Oregon and our Tropical climate.
-
So I'm at work. Yes, I found a proxy site that wasn't blocked and joined and they gave me a log in and pass to the super secret site that the filter wont catch as 'proxy avoidence'. So I am now footloose and fancy free on the internets. I would have been fine until they blocked lunabean, then I really had nothing to do so I had to find me a work around (not to be confused with a reach around.;) )
I have a headache and I forgot my migrain pills at home. There is a guy who just came back from the doctor with pain killers but I feel like I would look like a weird druggie if I asked him for a vicodin. "No really....I have a headache!" So I guess I'm ass out until I get home. Which sucks because its only 11am and I have more than half the day left.
-
So I woke up yesterday morning to my mom calling me. My grandmother had a massive stroke and probably wont make it.
Its been a rough weekend. I hate this news, and I'm so fucking sick of geting phone calls like this with different members of my family. I was instantly exhausted because in my family, I always have to be the strong one. Its like, when bad shit happens my family just shuts down and can't deal, which leaves me to always pick up the pieces and make sure everyone survives. I guess its better now as I'm an adult, as aposed to when it would happen and I was a teenager.
I had to drag my brother up there to see her. He is such a pussy. He can't handle hospitals, partially because shit like this is always happening to us. He also can't stand to talk about death, the whole topic just shuts him down. So I went over to his house and talked to him about her, what she looked like, what she still had functions over. She recognized me and my mom, but had problems recognizing my aunt and my uncle. I had told him to be prepared she might not know him and that her right side doesn't work and she can't talk. I just wanted him to be prepared. He didn't want to go. But I conviced him that he would feel guilty forever if she did die that night and he didn't get to tell her he loved her. So we went, and spend a half an hour there then left.
What makes me mad is, I'm 24 and he's 36! Should he be strong for me? I remember when my mom had her stroke, I was 14 or 15 and he was 27 and it was the same thing. I had to talk him into going to the hospital and held him when he cried.
My mom is pretty broken up, I can understand, its her mother. And she had a hard time looking at her because of the stroke she had, I know thats going through her mind.
What pisses me off most, is she was admitted to the hospital last Monday because her arteries were almost completely closed. The one on the left side was 92% closed and the other was 70% closed. The talked about putting tubes in her neck to open the arteries so this wouldn't happen. But they made the surgery for NEXT WEEK! And what happens when your arteries close? YOU HAVE A FUCKING STROKE!!!!! So why at 92% closed did they not find this urgent? Her primary care doctor was screaming at the head of the hospital bored to do this NOW because she feared this would happen. I just don't get it. This was so preventable. And the fucked up thing is, they wanted to discharge her the night before (Friday). We had to argue to keep her there because she was feeling week. So she could have been at home where no one would have known.
I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow. I talked to my mom and aunt about it but they can't function enough to do it yet. I don't want to wait for this to pass, and for things to be forgotten. They still haven't cleared the other artiery yet and they wont tell us why. We actually had to tell them to do the right one. The doctor said it may help the asked if we wanted it done. WELL NO FUCKING SHIT WE WANT TO DO IT!!! He said his reasoning was that she asked not to be kept alive on respirators and stuff. Well there is a difference between being kept alive on respirators and taking actions that could make you better. Fucking idiot.
My head is pounding and I'm tired. And I'm probably going to call in sick tomorrow and pray I don't get fired.
-
Okay, I had nothing better to do than take random stupid quizzes.
Here is one from everyone elses Xanga, all I can say about the first
one is, WTF!!!
You hide behind The Cold Mask. you like to show
people that you don't care about any thing and
that people don't concern you but you only do
this because you are afraid that when you love
someone or get close to them, you might loose
them in the end, cuz loosing is your worst
nightmare, so you always tend to keep a
distance between you and the others, this way
you think you are safe.What kind of masks you hide behind? (i added pix)
brought to you by Quizilla
Recent Comments